Either Way I Win!

How do I finish something that David started and was so great at putting his thoughts into these blogs.  I feel like Joshua where David was my Moses, there is no way I can  compare.  So here it goes.  I went back and read David’s blogs and the one that stuck out to me was “Will the world remember me?”  I can honestly say yes, David the world will remember you!  Our family has had so many people reach out to us with stories of you and how you touched their lives. Some stories I have heard and some I have not.  One thing I know is that you could talk to anyone, we would go camping when the kids were young and where would you be? Talking to the campsite next to ours finding out where they were from and how their vacation was going.  

In this blog “Will the world remember me?” you state

But there are also things that I have accomplished. I’ve traveled to 48 states and 3 other countries. I’ve built 3 garages and remodeled 2 going on 3 houses. I’ve been married for nearly 30 years and have 3 children. This list could also could go on if I thought about it but none of these things will be remembered by people here in Mason City let alone in the rest of the country. Well, that is except for one…..

It’s my children.

I read once that your children are your message to the future you will never see. When I think about each of my 3 kids, I think about the influence I’ve had on them and how they’ve been partially shaped by my actions and my beliefs, and how they’ll also be shaped by the way I deal with this cancer and the challenges it presents. And I realize, that’s it, that’s how I will be remembered by this world.

David, our 3 kids have stepped up the be the men and women led by God and influenced by you.  I know you were so proud of each of them.  Not only our own kids but the spouses that we consider as our own too Becky, Sebastien, and Darian.

These past few months have been especially hard on you and me but you kept on fighting. Now as I consider the next chapter of my life I can’t comprehend you not being here but I know you are climbing those mountains in heaven and you have no pain, no cancer and you have your strength back.  I love you David Allen Hull and I will see you again!

 

Dodgin’ Bullets

909 days.

That’s roughly the amount of time since I was first told about my cancer. It felt like a death sentence at the time.

“This is something that could very well take your life my friend”

That’s how the DR put it to us that day. The way he addressed me is what I remember the most vividly about that appointment.

“My Friend……”

But I’ve managed to stay alive so far, I’ve managed to “dodge the bullet” as they say.

Fact is, I think so far I’ve dodged the bullet at least 4 times if not more. The initial diagnosis, then when it spread to my back, later on when I was in the hospital for over a month. Then there was the added spread in the late spring last year when I thought it was truly over. And now……..number 5

My last scan revealed that my cancer has progressed substantially enough that my DR wants me to look into other treatments. Enough to want me to travel to Houston and see someone at MD Anderson in the Melanoma dept. Not really what I wanted to hear after having multiple “good” scans, scans good enough to make me start dreaming about remission again, enough that when I heard the most recent results, it made me feel like I was being handed another death sentence. Number five.

Although my back has remained stable, the spots on my lungs have increased in both number and size. Even more depressing, I have a substantial lesion on my upper right tibia. Large enough they have put me in an immobilization stint and are making me use a cane. The plan is to go to Houston and when I come back, remove the tumor, replace the void with some kind of filler/cement mixture along with a metal plate for strength. If that doesn’t take care of it, they’re talking about a knee replacement. I feel like we’re putting new parts on a worn out car. At some point, it’s going to break down for good.

One of the hardest things about writing is having to face the reality of my situation. My normal defense mechanism is to ignore  the gravity of what’s going on in my life, just to leave it in the box, up on a shelf. Writing requires me to take it out and look at it, admit what’s really going on, be honest with myself about what’s slowly happening. The steady degradation of my body, each time a little more, each time accepting this is the new normal and each time wondering what the next “break down” will reveal about the time I have left. As much as I want to believe that I’ll beat this, it has become increasingly harder to stay positive about the outcome. At least the outcome here on earth.

 

I’ve been having trouble with sleep lately and have re watched some movies in the middle of the night. Matrix is one of them. There’s a scene that the main character, Neo, asks if he’ll be able to dodge bullets and is told that once he frees his mind and understands the matrix, he won’t have to.

 

I think that’s where I’m trying to get to with my outlook on all of this, to not have to worry about dodging the bullet but instead freeing my mind to something beyond this life here on earth.

My faith has taken a beating through this, and I mean a BEATING. I’ve come to the point where I’m not even sure there is a God much less one that cares about me. My head tells me that thought is wrong, my knowledge of what the Bible says, is that can’t be true.

But my heart, it’s been screaming something else:

“You are alone in this………”

How’s that sound coming from my mouth? From the mouth of an “elder”, a “leaders” in the church???

Listen, I know there is a God and I know that He does love me, but the disappointments in the past 3 years have really chipped away at that especially if I allow my mind to stay focused on my life here on earth. But that’s where a better understanding of my “matrix”, that is, my thoughts on heaven and earth make a difference. If I allow myself to focus only on my life here it all seems absolutely hopeless. I mean, dieing at 54?? what a jacked up tragedy. I’ve got 3 married children with 6 grand kids now, I’ve got the best wife anyone could ask for and to leave all that? at 54? What a shitty proposition. It just doesn’t seem fair.

Isaiah 54: 17 says “No weapon formed against me shall prosper..” Fair enough, but does that mean I can’t be killed? I wish! Sorry, that’s not what He’s talking about. He’s referring to an eternal mindset. And there in lies the key to staying positive in all this.

Freeing my mind to the idea of Eternity.

If all I have is life here on earth then every decision, every step I take, every action, has consequences in regards to my time here, the time I have left. The choices I make in my treatment could mean a longer life or it could mean an end to it. It makes the weight of every choice I make into a crushing decision. However, if I consider my eternal life, none of that matters, the weight becomes almost nonexistent.  I don’t have to worry about dodging bullets because they can’t hurt me. I don’t have to worry about what treatment to choose or wether it will work for me. In the end, I get heaven, I get eternity, and NO weapon can take that away from me, not even……cancer.

So where does that leave me? Does that make me happy with my current situation? How do I go forward from here? Do I fight or do I give in?

Well I can tell you this, I won’t be giving in or giving up.

I’ll fight, I’ll dodge, I’ll weave, I’ll hide out, I’ll do whatever it takes to stay as long as I can here in this place because I love it here and I love the life God has blessed me with. But at the same time, I’ll do all those things knowing that if I fail to dodge that bullet, I get something even better.

I know, that if this plague on my body finally takes me out, I actually win. Either way, whether I stay here or whether I leave and go on to the next life,

 

I win.

 

 

 

 

Just Keep Making your Bed…

So it’s been awhile since I checked in. To be honest, I just haven’t felt much like writing. After all, this blog has never been about the people that read it, but more about me getting things off my chest and I guess verbalizing what I’ve got going inside my head. My hope is this will be encouraging to you but just be prepared, there may be a chance that you’re offended by some of the things I have to say……..

I’m sure just like the rest of you, I’ve probably spent more time on Facebook lately than normal.  During that time the one thing that has been painfully obvious to me is how soft and whiney people are. I can’t remember a time when I’ve seen/read more complaining in my life! If it’s not about how the people in charge are messing things up it’s about how unfair it is to ask the things they have asked us to do to make the situation better. I listened to a reporter yesterday grilling a representative about the Payroll Protection Plan and saying it was unfair to give money to businesses and require them to pay their employees……what? are you serious? That’s the idea of it, to keep people employed, why would that not be a requirement? But wait…. I digress……

I want to give you something today to encourage and make you think. That message I have is simple:

KEEP MAKING YOUR BED.

Yep, that’s it, keep making your bed, it’s really that simple. Just keep pushing, keep living, keep getting up and keep making your bed. That’s what I’ve done.

To date, I’ve made mine 867 times, and I don’t plan on stopping. That’s the number of days since our first meeting with the Dr about my cancer. 867 days. Annette and I thought our world would end that day, but here we are, 867 days later, still making the bed.

I haven’t written much about the details of the things Annette and I have had to deal with personally in regards to my cancer. I’ve just figured there are 10’s of thousands of people that are having to deal with the same or much worse and really didn’t want to sound like a cry baby about it. But in light of the recent Facebook posts I’ve had to endure I thought I might give you something to think about.

In that 867 days, we have canceled multiple trips both personal and business, lost untold amounts of money because of it, I’ve spent Christmas and New Year’s day in a hospital bed, missed birthday parties, spent weekends laying on the couch because I literally couldn’t get up. I’ve had to rethink my whole life in regards to work, retirement, being a husband, being a dad, being a grandpa…..More specifically, in the last 9 months there have been multiple days that I had to be carried to the bathroom by my son because I couldn’t walk from the pain. There have been many mornings, Annette has had to dress me because I couldn’t bend over to put my socks on. But I still went to work. Why? Because it will get better, that’s what I kept telling myself, “this will get better”. And you know what, it did. Here I am, taking some new meds and I’m riding my bike, washing my pick up and going to work on time for once, feeling fantastic. Will it last? Who knows. All I know is I’m enjoying the heck out of it while it’s here!

I made the decision when this started that I wasn’t going to spend the time I had left dieing while I was waiting to die. It just doesn’t make sense. You get up, you get dressed and you MAKE YOUR BED. You live your life the best as possible and keep hoping for things to get better…..and they will. If you think you’re gonna get through life without pain or heartache or problems, you are kidding yourself, everyone has trials, what matters is that you plow through them and get on with your life. It’s your choice.

So, the next time you feel like complaining cause you can’t go to the mall or you want to get out of the house, you want to hang out with your friends,  just remember, this will be over before you know it and it will be nothing but a memory. You’ll laugh at the things you did to occupy your time, you’ll be thankful for the things you learned and the things you changed. You will actually look forward to some of those mundane things that before this weird time drove you crazy.

Your life will be better,

……..all because you just kept making your bed.

 

 

 

 

 

I’m not the man I used to be…….

I followed a truck into town on my way home from work a few weeks ago. Interestingly enough it was one of my brothers trucks. He was headed back from the seed corn field for the evening.  When he turned the corner in front of me, it struck me that if I was still working in that industry, I probably wouldn’t be able to do the job. Fact is, there’s no “probably” about it, I couldn’t do it. Just climbing in and out of the truck is more than my body wants to do. I can’t even imagine raking the corn off the wagons much less climbing into the trailer to do it.

I used to do those things. I used to do a lot of things.

I went home and had a real good pity party for myself that night. I was so pissed at God, I can’t really express it here. The things I used to take care of at work and am simply unable to do now, the list is longer than I care to admit. There are days that I feel like they should cut my pay in half simply because I can’t do what I feel I was hired to do. A normal work day now takes so much out of me all I want to do at night is crawl into bed. Actually there are many nights I do just that. I just don’t have the energy to do anything after work any longer. It’s extremely frustrating. Listen, I know everyone has to deal with this type of thing eventually. But at 53? Come on. I should be years from this stuff.

But I’m not. It’s right here in front of me.

I had a scan the other day. I even found out the results that day, and they were good. It even made the oncologist shed a little tear.

That day at the radiologist made me feel much better about my situation, about where I’m at in life. Funny thing though, it wasn’t the scan that did it. It was something I saw in the waiting room.

I had signed in and was waiting to be called back when I noticed a guy come into the waiting area or should I say, I noticed him roll in. He looked to be about my age and was in a wheel chair, and not just any wheel chair. He moved it by a little stick, and he did it with his mouth. Fully paralyzed, no movement except for his head.

And I thought, “What am I so pissed about?”

I may be in pain all the time but I can walk, I can hold my wife;s hand, I can type on a keyboard and hold a phone to my ear.

Because of this, I have a great job where I’m able to be productive on a daily basis. In fact, I love going to work. I don’t always feel like going to work but my love of what I do overcomes my pain every morning. Pain that is so bad some mornings, Annette has to tie my shoes because I can’t bend over to do it myself. And, not only do I have a good job but I work with good people. I work with guys that take care of a lot of things I used to do myself, and they don’t even blink. They don’y jazz me about it, nothing. They act as if it’s always been that way. I work with others in my office that will do the same, all without making me feel bad about it.

And I work for Great People. People who would give me time off when and if I needed it and have already in the past. People who ask me in the morning how I’m doing and they really mean it. People who care about their employees. People that make me feel needed.

Every situation in life has two sides and you’re the one who has to decide which side to look at. It’s easy to dwell on all the things that are wrong with your life but it’s better to look at the good, and there is always good. Sometimes it’s hard to find, but there is always good.

I don’t know where you’re at in life or what you think is keeping you down. I CAN tell you that someone has it worse than you, someone is less fortunate, less rich, less happy. Someone is always worse off than you.

Don’t worry about the person you used to be, just be the best person you can be.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Prying off the Back Cover

It’s just not been a great summer for the pool. I think I’ve been in a total of 4-5 times and that includes opening it up. But, a few weeks ago it did get hot enough for me to jump in along with some friends we had over for a cookout. We were just hanging out talking and out of nowhere my best friend looked over at me and asked “Are you afraid of dieing?”

OK, so that was a little un-expected.

I think I need to talk to him more about what’s going on with me. He even said so later in the conversation. The reality is that he sees me fielding questions about my cancer on a daily basis and he’s been good enough to just leave me alone about it, kinda give me a rest from all the interest. That doesn’t make it right though, that I don’t keep him in the loop more, after all we’ve been best friends for 40 some years, he deserves to have some info on how I’m doing.

Anyway, back to the questions, am I scared of death, or rather what will happen to me after I die?

The answer: If I’m honest, the thought of my death seems to creep in on a daily basis these days. Truthfully, it can make me very sad at times. The other night I was trying to rock my granddaughter  Lorelei to sleep and I was a little overcome by the idea that I might not get to see her grow up.

But afraid?

Absolutely not, I don’t have a single concern, no doubts, no reservations, not even a hint of a question. I will go to heaven, I will not be turned away at the gate in any form or fashion.

You might think that a little over confident, maybe that I’m a little cavalier about who might be judging me and what they might know. You might even think to yourself, “I know things about you and I’m pretty sure you should be worried.” And when I think about my life, I think I could say the same thing, but it’s not about my life, my confidence isn’t in what I’ve done to deserve going to “The Good Place”.

When I was growing up, I had this drive to find out how everything worked. If I could pry the back off of something I would do it and then proceed to pull everything out of the case to see what made the thing “tick”. Admittedly, I didn’t always get it back together but I did usually figured out how the thing worked. I remember when we turned 16, Dennis and I dragged an old car out of our grandpa’s barn and into town. We proceeded to pull the engine, tear it down and rebuilt it. We had no idea what we were doing. Dennis or I either one had never done anything quite so involved, but, in the end, and after a few mishaps, we were driving that car down the road with a rebuilt engine, one that we knew from top to bottom. That knowledge of how it worked gave us the ability to take it anywhere we wanted without fear of it blowing up or quitting because we knew that car from tearing it down to the bare bones and seeing what made it tick. We had confidence in that thing because we knew it inside and out.

Fast forward 40 years……..

When I think about my walk as a Christian and the things I’ve learned through teaching and study, I realize that’s exactly what I’ve been doing my whole life, figuring out how this thing called Christianity works. For 40 years I’ve been pulling things out of that case, looking at them and piecing together what they mean, and it may surprise or even irritate you on what I’ve come up with.

I think the vast majority of people, even Christians themselves, believe that what you do, that is, how you live your life, affects your ability to get into heaven. You may be reading this and thinking the same thing. But you…..you, would be wrong.

What’s crazy is that when you pull out all those commandments, rules and instructions on how to live a Christian life, when you get all that pulled away, what your left with is the cross. You’re left with the sacrifice that Jesus made so you could be viewed as perfect in God’s sight. All those things the Bible teaches are TRUE and are good to follow but they’er not the answer to getting past that gate. And yet, we try doing them thinking we can earn our way in the door, we do them in hopes of gaining enough good points.

The truth of living a Christian life is that we should be doing those things out of gratitude, a gratitude of what He’s already done for us. Gratitude for the grace that he shows us through the cross.

So you see, my confidence isn’t in myself, it’s in what was done for me. I’ve pryed the back off, I’ve looked inside, and what I find powering Christianity is not rules and regulations but something else.

 

What makes Christianity “work” is the cross.

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Good Things Fall Apart”

I’m not really a collector by nature. I do have a few 2 dollar bills that my grandpa used to give us every Christmas but other than that, I really have no desire to have a bunch of things stuffed in boxes in my basement, it just feels like a weight around my neck. I would just as soon throw things out as opposed to having them pile up in the corner. I do have an exception; I’ve been collecting my wrist bands from all of the infusions, scans and hospital visits from my cancer. I think at last count I was approaching 50 from the past year. Some are from simple afternoon sessions in the chemo infusion chair, some are from the occasional ER visit and then there are a few from my 2 and 3 week “spa visits” in the hospital at the end of 2018.

So you might ask, of all the things, why collect those?

Well, the easiest way to explain it is I wanted something to remind me of my journey to being cancer free. They were kind of a reminder of the trust I was putting in God. They hang above the bench in my garage and when I would see them I would thank Him for how he’s brought me through it so far and pray that He continued to do the same. Even as the cancer spread to my hip and then when I was struggling through all the hospital stays, I would look at them and think, “Someday I’ll look at those and tell people about what it was like kicking cancer’s ass.”

But, at some point this summer, that changed. After the last scan and the realization of how much the cancer had spread, I began to question things. It became harder and harder to be positive about the potential outcome of this whole thing. I started looking at pictures in my house and wondering if Annette would use this one or that one at my funeral and what people would think about them, I’ve had to push thoughts of my death out of my mind on a constant basis. It’s crazy the hole you can fall into when you let yourself loose trust.

There’s a new song playing on Alt Nation that although it has nothing to do with my situation, the chorus has just been eating at me. The song is “Good Things Fall Apart” and the chorus goes like this:

“Tell me what you hate about me!

Whatever it is I’m sorry! Yea-eah-eah, Yea-eah-eah,

I don’t wanna be dramatic,

But everybody said we had it…..

I’m coming’ to terms with a broken heart, I guess that sometimes good things fall apart.”

Let me explain.

So far in my life I have always been amazed at how blessed Annette and I are. I look at my kids and the people they’ve chosen to marry, their kids, our financial situation, everything. As crazy as this might sound, I’ve even managed to look at the cancer I’ve been dealing with as a blessing. (that’s another blog in itself) Essentially, I haven’t been able to see anything in my life as a let down. I really thought that God and me, we had a deal. I’ve been doing my best for Him and He’s been doing his best for me. It was kind of our unspoken agreement. He was taking care of me. But that all changed with the last scan, I started loosing the trust, I started asking Him what I had done to deserve this. Then, when He wouldn’t answer, I started loosing my belief in God at all. It seriously was falling apart.

I think living in the United States skews how we look at our relationship with God. The other day, I actually heard a politician on the radio say that they felt health insurance was a “basic human right”. ARE YOU SERIOUS? When did we become so expectant of having everything handed to us? I feel like most people living in America think they should be able to open up the “menu of life” and just choose whatever they want and someone should just bring it to them on a sliver platter. We have become accustom to getting what we want and then complaining because it didn’t get to us quick enough. Worse yet, I think that attitude has spilled over into our belief in God, I know at times it has for me. I/We expect him to give us whatever we want, be it home, money, spouse, kids……health. How do you order the creator of the universe to give you what you want? How do you look at the person who gave his life for you and expect more, and more and more?

I have no idea why I have Cancer. (God knows)

I don’t want cancer. (God doesn’t want me to have it either)

I want to be healed from my cancer. (God will heal me of my cancer)

And I want it now. (God will do it when and where He wants to, here or in heaven)

God doesn’t hate anything about me, He loves everything about me.

I don’t have anything to be sorry for, we do have something.

The idea that I don’t get what I want, when I want, that doesn’t mean things are falling apart, they’re actually falling into place.

The only way to live a truly happy life is to realize that this life doesn’t matter, what comes after it is what matters.

If I had to explain to someone who I was with just a picture, I think this is the one I’d choose.

When I look at the guy in it, I feel like he knows where he’s been,

he knows where he’s going

and he’s content with both.

That’s how I want people to remember me,

but more importantly that’s how I want to live.

 

 

#livethelifeyouregiven

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

“Far greater things await us than what we leave behind.” C S Lewis

Annette and left on an extended trip today. Our plan is to drive across the west and hit some of the major national parks, making a u-turn at Rainier and heading home just in time to get my next infusion. Although I think C S Lewis had bigger things in mind when he penned that quote, it fits well when thinking about an epic trip like this. My normal days pale in comparison to the things we’re gonna see over the next 2 weeks.

I have to admit, I have been dreaming about a trip like this for a long time. It’s actually kind of a “lotto dream” to drop that winning ticket down on Terry Allen’s desk and buy the shiniest, loaded Silverado pick up on the lot, throw a tent in the back and just drive…..no plan, no worries about paying the bill, just see what I can see, come home when I feel like it. At worst, I always assumed I’d at least do a paired down version when I retire………about that……

Most recently with everything going on, I decided to move up the trip and with my boss’ blessing Annette and I are headed west, even if it is with reservations. I bet you think you know what it is but I’m pretty sure you’d be wrong.

Yes I am a work-a-holic and yes I wouldn’t normally want to leave my responsibilities for that long. But to be honest, in the last couple weeks, I’ve had a terrible time keeping my head in the game. Fending off the thought of death seems to be a full time job anymore. Sometimes when I’m trying to get something done at work, I stop and just think to myself, “If I’m dead in a year do I really give a crap about this?” In a year maybe not, but for me today, yes I do give a crap. I can’t stand the thought of doing anything half assed. After all, you can’t just crawl in a hole, the grass still needs mowed.

No, the real reservation is the idea that if I go on this trip, am I surrendering to this thing, admitting that it’s over and I better get my bucket list out of the way? Do I want to go ’cause soon I won’t be alive to check items off? If I’m honest, there are times that I do relent to that feeling even though I know it’s a terrible place to hang out. It’s just natural I think for those things to creep in.

Even so, I’m choosing to consider this trip therapy. It’s a couple weeks with Annette to celebrate her recent retirement and create some memories with just us.

I will not give up.

I will continue to fight.

I will beat this thing.

I will grow old with my wife.

You may say, “David, what if you don’t beat it, what if it gets you and in the end you are the one that gets beat, what then??”

Honestly the only answer I can come up with is:

“Far better things await me than what I leave behind…………..”

 

#livethelifeyouregiven

 

 

Hangin’ by a Thread…..

I remember my first time seeing Devil’s Tower. All I could think about was climbing it. I had planned a stop there on our first trip to Yellowstone and while in the Black Hill a few days earlier I had managed to collect a few brochures on companies that took regular guys like myself on a 2 day adventure where on the second day, if you were deemed worthy, they would take you to the top. Looking back, I’m not sure how I thought I would swing that with 2 kids and a wife along. No worries, Annette took care of the decision for me, not with a  verbal “no” but more just with her reaction. I remember showing her the brochures and her looking at me with that “what are planning on doing with those??” kinda look. I just tucked them in the glove compartment so I’d have them for the next trip.

Although I have done some rock climbing over the years, it’s never been anything as epic as Devil’s Tower.  The coolest place I’ve climbed is X rock outside of Durango, CO. We were headed back from the Grand Canyon and I had drug my climbing gear around for nearly 2 weeks with no real chance to use it until then. We were there along with some other younger kids. I had been letting my kids climb all morning when someone else offered to let me “take a ride” on their rope. I didn’t need to be asked twice, I was tied in within a few minutes, shouted “climbing!” and scurried up the wall the minute I heard “climb on!” without giving a thought to the size of the young girl on belay. My wife didn’t miss it though. When we left she commented that if I had fallen I probably would have drug her half way up the rock face, she couldn’t have weighed 90 lbs.

I never noticed……

Looking back on that decision, it was a mistake that could have turned out pretty bad. When climbing you have to know and trust the person you have on belay. They’re the one that’s keeping you from getting hurt or worse, getting “dead”.

Annette and I will celebrate our 30th wedding anniversary this year. On June 3, 1989, I chose her to be “on belay” in my life. She’s the one that has been there for me every time I’ve “slipped off the holds” of life, cinching the rope and keeping me from hurt or death. I tell her that she’s the “WCS” woman (worse case scenario). I’m half teasing, half serious when I say it cause there are times when I know she’s right and times when I think she’s being ridiculous. Either way, she has kept me safe for 30 years and I trust her completely. SHE. IS. A. ROCK.

So, as you can imagine, it was almost more than I could take in when earlier this week as we lay in bed she turned to me before we went to sleep. She was all out sobbing and through her tears said: “I don’t want to do the next 25 years without you!!” It simply tore my heart out to see her in that state. It also tears my heart out when I allow myself to think it might go down that way.

Earlier this week, my oncologist shared my most current scan results with us. There was no smile on his face, no optimism in his voice. Just cruel and grim facts. Some things I remember vividly:

“Multiple spots on your lungs from the size of a pea to the size of a dime.”

“Multiple lesions on your liver.”

“Spots on your bones that are “too many to count.”

All I could think was, that’s a hell-of-a-lot of stuff that’s changed from the last “all clear” scan 3 months ago……

Then he put the icing on the cake when we were discussing treatment options when he said: “We need to think about quality of life issues here because if these treatments don’t work, you’re looking at 6 months to a year.”

So you can see that right now, as I hang by a thread after slipping off the wall of life, I need someone on belay I can trust. Annette is that person. As we have processed the current situation over the past week, she’s been holding that rope with a tight grip. It’s a grip I know she will hold until I get my purchase again. It’s one of the reasons I married her.

I’m a little banged up and bruised from that “fall” this week but Annette has held fast the whole time. I think I’ve came to a point that I have a grip on things again and I’m ready to run into the fight that’s ahead of me. I can only imagine some of the dynamic moves I am gonna have to make over the next few months. I’m sure I’m going to have to leap from one hold to another but I know I can do it with confidence cause I’ve got someone I trust on belay…….

……………………………………………………….”Climbing!”

 

For such a time as this……..(Is God in control?)

….and who knows whether you have not come to the kingdom for such a time as this? Esther 4:14b

Have you ever thought about to what extent God has control over things on earth? For that matter, have you ever wondered if he has any control at all? Wait a minute, have you ever wondered if there is a God at all??

Sometimes I think I’m a non believer trapped in an believer’s body, wait maybe it would be better to say a believer trapped in a non believer’s body? Either way, I need you to know that faith doesn’t come easily for me. I know that God is real, I know that Jesus died for my sins…and yet there always seems to be this sliver of doubt rattiling around in my head. What if it’s not true?

What if it’s just a story?

What if there is no God at all?           What then?

These feelings have never been as strong as they were this past 3 months as I’ve struggled through the health issues connected to my cancer meds. I ended up spending 45 days of the last 3 months in the hospital. I had come to a point that I just couldn’t understand why God was letting this happen. Why wouldn’t he fix this problem. He created the earth and yet he wouldn’t fix this?? The last 18 day stint I did came to a head at one point and I was DONE. I actually told God to “F” off, even going as far to say, “that is if you really even exist!!!”

Yes, David Hull, Elder, worship leader, life long christian turned into Job. The same Job that questioned God in the Bible. I’m embarrassed to admit that I actually said that but I did. I was lucky, God didn’t ask me the same hard questions that he asked Job, (“Where were YOU when I laid the foundations of the earth?!?!”)

Insteaad, He just sent me to the book of Esther. And he did this at the same time he was bringing everything together for my good, in his timing, not mine.

In case you’re not familiar with the book of Esther, it tells of how God’s chosen people were saved through a young Jewish girl. A girl that through an elaborate set of circumstances became queen and was put in a position to influence a King’s decision about the fate of her people, the Jews, God’s chosen. It’s a quick read and really shows how God does have a plan, a plan that he works out in his timing.

See that’s the key, His timing. I think that’s our biggest problem as believers, we want it now, we want it our way. We think we know what’s best. That was me. I wanted him to solve my problem and solve it now. But, He had other plans.

I’m not sure I can convey the details to you but it’s so clear to me when I look at them in the rearview mirror. As I was reading Esther, I was encountering  people, meeting Dr’s and discovering the drugs that fixed me. All these things were connected to the chain of events that went down and looking at it I can’t imagine them coming together without those events. If you’re curious, get with me sometime and I’ll give you the details!

Sitting here, there are times I want to know why He just couldn’t have waved his hand and make that all happen without the 3 months of hell I experienced but then I think of Esther. It makes me realize that God has his ways and in the end, why should I question the being that created the Earth?

That is, if you believe all that stuff….. 🙂

 

I can honestly say, I do.

 

 

 

 

 

 

What is Bravery?

“The bravest are surely those who have the clearest vision of what is before them, glory and danger alike, and yet not withstanding, go out to meet it.” —Thucydides

 

I’d like to be able to go on about this guy and his writings but the truth is I’m not even sure how to pronounce his name. I simply saw this at the bottom of someone’s email (who probably can’t pronounce it either) and it got me thinking about what constitutes bravery? Problem was that every time I came back to it, no matter how many times I read it, I just couldn’t wrap my head around what it is to be “brave”.

What attributes does one need to be considered brave?

I feel like today’s society views the absence of good judgment as being brave. When I Googled images of brave, they all came up with people doing stupid, reckless stuff. Things that didn’t matter, things that didn’t represent what I think of as brave. To me it needs to stand for something. It’s not just about being cavalier with your life.

A few months ago, the time had arrived for my first follow-up scan to see if the melanoma had popped up anywhere. Up to this point, I had been taking treatment to prevent the cancer from coming back. Unfortunately, the scan revealed a small spot on my adrenal gland. This lead to more scans and a final diagnosis of it reaching into my bone…….stage 4 metastatic melanoma.

Worst fears realized…..second opinions, lengthy conversations, pull out the stops, kick this thing good. Time for the big guns. Time for Yervoy.

YERVOY…….sounds relatively benign right? Just say it, you almost have a smile when you pronounce it……YERVOY!

I read the warnings, I weighed the danger vs. the glory that might be had. I chose to go out and meet it head on. Instead, it met me.

Of the last 43 days, I’ve spent 25 in the hospital. I’ve lost over 40 lbs and a month of my life to a treatment that I can’t even tell you is working or not. Nothing is certain when you’re dealing with cancer. It’s an out-and-out crap shoot.

So this whole “danger and glory” thing, it just isn’t working out for me. I’m not that kind of brave.

……but I am brave. I just choose to be measured differently. Measured by a different standard, a different attribute if you will.

Surrender

A few nights ago I had come to the point of wondering if I’d ever get better. The thought actually crossed my mind that I could die from the treatment rather than the cancer. How jacked up would that be?? I mean, give me he biggest gun you can find and it will do no good!

It is out of my hands.

.          I have no control over it.

.                   But then I remembered,

.                                                  Surrender.

This whole cancer thing always comes up the same way; with me having to admit it’s out of my hands. I am constantly forced to surrender to the fact that God has this and I don’t. Even as I sit here finally unhooked from all the meds and preparing to be discharged tomorrow, I’m scared to death if I’ll be OK to go home.

But then I remind myself, be brave……. surrender.

Rev 5:5 “Do not weep, see the Lion of the tribe of Judah has triumphed”

Live the Life You’re Given